You'd better gather evidence so you're equipped for this argument. Ben has stealthily been moving his girlfriend into your share house for the past three months or so, hoping you wouldn't notice. She takes up room on the sofa, consumes resources, hogs the bathroom, and once excluded you from their coupley Sunday morning breakfast (blueberry pancakes). Normally you could live with this, but when you stole some of the bodywash she left in the shared bathroom it gave you a rash on your left breast so you are seeking vengeance.

You head to the bathroom to collect evidence and to snoop through their things: you sniff various colognes, moisturise your legs with expensive-looking face creams, read the label of his girlfriend's 'intimate feminine wash' (brand "EVE"), examine a box of condoms for details on size, and draw the Bat-Signal in talcum powder leftovers on the bench. All clues point to the presence of a live-in girlfriend: your argument has a solid foundation.

You amble down the hallway and lean against Ben's doorframe: casual, cool, callous to the core. He looks up from his laptop.

Isn't it crazy to think that a real, live human somewhere out there in the world actually bought Ice Road Truckers on DVD?

He laughs and turns back to his laptop.

He's dodged the Ice Road Truckers comment. He doesn't know that you know that he has all 10 seasons of Ice Road Truckers on Blu-ray hidden under his bed next to his leather bound copy of the novelisation of Avengers: Age of Ultron and a case of the special edition Doritos-flavoured Mountain Dew.

You say: so, is that your off-brand intimate feminine wash in the bathroom?

It's not yours?

Nope.

Must be Francesca's.

You want to say: is she here so often that it's necessary for her to start leaving her douche-related products in the bathroom? But instead you just say: okay.

Ben looks uncomfortable. Is that cool?

Sure.

He nods.

I just did a quick calculation. You and I both pay $230 a week rent. Francesca's using up half a m² with her products in the bathroom. This house is 70m² - so if she could give me $1.60 a week that should about cover my share of the floorspace she's occupying with her douche products.

I thought you said you were cool with her leaving some stuff here.

Oh, I am. It's really no problem. Since I first noticed her stuff in the bathroom a month ago let's say she owes me $6.50.

Are you serious?

It's not like I'm charging her interest.

She's not paying you to keep stuff in the bathroom. This is insane.

Ben please, I've been extremely reasonable: I didn't charge her when she used 4mL of my olive oil last week. I haven't even charged her for the water she uses with her douche wash.

What is this about? Are you jealous or something?

I know about your Ice Road Truckers Blu-rays.

You're the worst.

What do you want to do now? You can go to the party or check out your relationship advice blog FuckLyf.