Just kidding.

You wish.

What kind of moat could possibly accomodate sharks and crocodiles? (Unless of course we're dealing with some kind of world-first estuarine moat which keeps the water temperate and salty enough to please both saltwater crocodiles and bull sharks - two species which famously fair well in both salt and fresh water.)

Anyway, just to give you an idea of what's going to happen here: this is an ultraviolent romcom. You play a young woman who writes a relationship advice blog. What's the one problem she can't solve? Finding a man (and also disposing of a body). Will there be sharks and castles somewhere down the line? Not sure yet but stay tuned to find out.


It's 9pm on a Friday: you are heading to a house party in a few hours. As per always, you've shaved your entire body (except your head), you're wearing your most binding clothes and are finishing your makeup in your room while drinking a cocktail of your own invention: a Moscow Goatfuck.

Moscow Goatfuck Recipe

The party started at 8:30pm but you signed a blood oath with Satan a few years ago promising you'd never get to a party before 11pm (it's a long story but the gist is this: in your Faustian bargain, Satan promised that you'd always be the smartest, funniest, most interesting girl at any party you go to, but in exchange you can't ever get to a party before 11pm by which point everyone is already tanked so your smartness/funniness/interestingness is wasted). How do you want to pass the time before you can go to the party?

Do you want to check out your relationship advice blog FuckLyf or do you want to pick a petty fight with your housemate Ben?