Satanic Herpes

To summon Satan, you need to activate your tattoo. If tattoo activation reminds readers of the bad guys from a famous YA story, let that tell them something about how that author achieved her success. The bargain J.K. Rowling struck was that she would be famous and successful beyond her wildest dreams, but that she would desecrate her legacy by being an idiot on Twitter. Satan made his offer in 1996, long before Twitter even existed, so it sounded reasonable to Ms. Rowling at the time. When Twitter launched a decade later, she felt herself inexorably drawn to the platform: after all, she was an internationally beloved author, year after year she outsold the Bible, world leaders read her books to their children every night, she was the most popular single mum since Princess Diana - surely people would want to know what she thought about foreign politics and the latest scandal surrounding YouTube personalities.

To begin the process of summoning Satan, you pull off the pyjama shirt you've been wearing all day to reveal the tattoo below your right breast. You lick your thumb and run it along the words: Daddy's Angel. Behind your window blinds, Satan appears - you see his elbow sticking out the side. He deliberately clears his throat. You pull your shirt on, dim the lights and turn on the smoke machine.

Fake smoke swirls excitedly as Satan emerges from behind the blinds, Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned to his navel, smiling goofily: stupidly handsome, beatific, blonde, chiseled, he's standing on two dainty cloven hooves - really more deerlike than caprine.

Satan runs a hand through his hair self-consciously. What's good?

Just chillin.

He gives you a sly look.

What? I am just chilling.

It's Saturday night - shouldn't you be three knuckles deep in some club skank?

Couldn't be bothered.

What? Putting underwear on?

You open your mouth to say something but he steals your joke.

That never stopped you going out before.

Jeez, I wouldn't've invited you over if I knew you were gonna be such a wang.

He walks past you out the bedroom door. You got anything good to eat?

You start to follow him but remember the smoke machine and dart back to turn it off.

___________

In the kitchen, Satan is appraising a block of cheese from the back of the fridge with grave suspicion. You hoik yourself up so you're sitting bare assed on the kitchen bench.

So I was wondering if you could help me with something.

Satan sniffs a half-empty jar of jalapeños. Mind if I have some of these?

Go nuts.

With one eye closed, he looks into the jar and hooks a slice of jalapeño with his long forked tongue. You know I can't undo our first deal.

It's not about that.

He looks up from the jalapeños.

Satan is unlike God in many respects but the difference which is pertinent to this situation: he can give but he cannot take away. It's worth noting, that although it is usually not a very esteemed power, he can also mitigate.

I have herpes.

Oh shit, can I see?

You lift the corner of your upper lip to show a tiny pink blister.

Fucking coldsores? That doesn't count.

It's still herpes.

Don't be embarrassed. It's super common. Derek Jeter has given herpes to like 70% of Cosmo cover models from the last decade.

Dude, don't. It's a big deal to me.

Your relationship with Jeter?

Cute. No - the coldsore.

Satan screws the lid back onto the jar.

Jeter can eat a dick.

Not without giving it herpes.

Nice.

So you want a favour. You know I can't just take the herpes away.

But can I trade it? What if you gave me a really bad tattoo or something?

I can't do that. It's not a fair trade.

Satan pulls himself up to beside you on the kitchen bench. You sit together in contemplative silence.

What if I could fix it so you didn't get cold sores?

You look up at him adoringly.

___________

With the bargain struck, Satan disappears through the portal behind your bedroom blinds. He's taken away your cold sore. In exchange, he's made you a carrier for every bad thing you could brainstorm without needing to Google 'most contagious diseases ever': Smallpox, Typhoid Fever, Rabies, Ebola, HIV, and Tuberculosis. Plus you still have the herpes. He's assured you that from now on you'll just be a carrier - Satan said he had to nominally cause some trouble so that the paperwork for this case wouldn't raise suspicions with audiors but, because you're friends, he's done you a favour. Not like with your first deal. You just need to be careful about swapping fluids with other people from now on. Or letting your blood get into anyone else's open wounds. Or touching anyone. Satan didn't even want to shake your hand to seal the deal.

What do you want to do now? You can go out or you can risk it all and jump to a contextless exciting event.